Thursday, October 26, 2006


Well, I've only been here almost-three-weeks but I can safely say that I love my job. I can also safely say that I really enjoy the people I work with, and that children's sermons stress me out.

Also, have you ever tried to be a pastor without any of your books or your clothes or your coats or lots of your other stuff? Imagine this scene. You have lots of really wonderful socks, in all different colors and designs. You're getting ready to go to Egypt, where you'll wear sandals almost all year, so you pack six pairs of socks and off you go. You come back from Egypt and take a job in a cold place where you really need to wear socks and shoes every day, and realize that 3 of your pairs of socks only go with black pants. But you really prefer to wear brown pants and brown shoes. This leads to excessive amounts of laundry doing. On top of that, you don't have the things you need to effectively run your own kitchen, or your office, or to relax/have fun in your house, nor do you have winter coats or winter clothes of any kind. And it's been one year since your mom died and your brother isn't handling it very well and, truth-be-told, you might not be handling it so well either. Plus this is a totally huge transition from a nomadic to a settled existence, from student to missionary to pastor, and your ordination is a few days away and all your family and friends are coming from out of town for it. And your stuff is somewhere that's else and you don't know where or when it might arrive. Now imagine that someone says to you, "It's all going to be fine." And your first reaction is: "liar." When your mom dies, it's not all going to be fine. And when you don't have your stuff, it's not really fine. And when there are a zillion things going on and everything is in disarray because of those previously mentioned two things, it's not fine. It's anxiety-producing. And I want to be angry with people who say "it's all going to be fine" because I don't really like for people to lie to me. But I can't because I don't get to be angry. So...I'm feeling a little anxious and overwhelmed right now. And a lot of the time I just want to cry because I'm being ordained this weekend and my mom won't be there.

But on the bright side, I love my house and I love my job and I'm excited to see my friends and I'm incredibly excited to be ordained and to celebrate communion for the first time. The first ordination I went to was for Steve R, a friend at Fourth, and he celebrated communion at his ordination. It was so awesome to watch and be a part of, and that is the moment I felt a literal visceral pull to stand behind that table. Like a string from my stomach to the table. It was awesome. And that was several years ago now. And the moment has come and I'm excited.

Dear mom: I wish you could be here. I love you.

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