ah!

it's hard to believe that I have to find a job sometime this year. craziness, actually. Who does God think he/she is, sending me here to atlanta, then into a small church, then into a hospital, and expecting me to somehow figure out where I'm supposed to go and what i'm supposed to do with my life, or at least the next little bit of it, without more concreteness? hello? a few years of school, five exams (four of which are graded half by people who are bitter about having gone through the same process and the other half are at least mostly clueless with a checklist, and the fifth graded by a computer) and some internships don't qualify a person to lead a church by themselves, do they? or even not by themselves, you know? it's a big job. I don't want it after all. just kidding. i've just been working on my CSC (Candidate Seeking Call) form and looking at other people's forms, and at some church forms, and websites, and desperately trying to find a way to do a Lilly residency, even though I know that none of them are funded any longer...trying to prolong the inevitable, I suppose. The dreaded call process. Give me a break--process? or noose? just wondering, temporarily. And, of course, I'm at the hospital, have been at the hospital for 13 hours, have another 19 or so to go, and i really want to be at home in my bed. but noooo....and i had to visit families who lost babies today. and a family about to lose the dad at age 62 to leukemia. i had to see the babies, touch them. i even baptized one. i know i'm not technically allowed to do that, but whatever. polity only goes so far when people's faith and emotional health are on the line, and they needed to have that baby baptized. so we did. communion of saints, priesthood of all believers, etc etc etc etc. luckily i got to follow that with a visit to a healthy baby and its adopting family. what a day. and there's more to come. oh boy. alone with nothing but my thoughts and a pager that tells me when someone's about to die so I can head off their family's run into the room. and To the Lighthouse which so far, in the first 25 pages, is not as easy to follow as one would normally hope for a book one is reading while on call. I need to get a life, but I can't because this hospital thing makes me too tired. and now I'm whiny so i'm going away to sit on the couch instead. prayers always solicited and welcome. thanks.