Sunday, May 13, 2007

mother's day

I want this day to be like all the other days, but it isn't.
I want this day to be like all the other Mother's Days, but it isn't.

I want to be able to write blog posts like this without tears, but I can't.
I want to be able to pray for those who find this day difficult without tears, but I can't.

I want to plant tomato plants for my mom today, but I can't.
I want to call and wish her a happy mother's day, but I can't.

There are many more things I want, but I won't get them. Not "this side of eternity" anyway.

I want to be able to tell people how hurtful it is when they assume that everyone loves Mother's Day. But somehow do it without raining on their happy mother's day parade.
I want to feel like I normally do when leading worship rather than like I'm floating and don't really want to be there, like I did today. And we didn't even sing any songs that trigger mom-ness...

I want to not get a thousand and one emails about how my mom needs the latest gadget, flowers, books, gift cards, clothes, e-cards, etc...she doesn't. not anymore.

I want to talk to my mom. I want to tell her that I love her and miss her.

Instead I will go set up for confirmation class. I will listen as my 20 confirmands are examined by the session and received into a new family. We will talk again about what it means to be members of a church. We'll go through the service for next week so there won't be any surprises. And then I'll go home, tired. And tomorrow "everything will be back to normal." as if.

Happy Mother's Day, mom. I love you. I hope you are having a good day.


  1. You can't protect the boundaries of your heart - you can only learn to live within them. The lessons we learn this way are hard - tender- salty sweet with tears.

    You are tending the family of God -sheltering, nurturing. Maybe w/o planting tomato plants, yet. Maybe feeling like you are floating while leading worship. I kind of wanted to bop the pastor this morning, in fact- much mom-ness and dad-ness and both are sore spots right now.

    Settle in with your kitties tonight. Let them love you. And as your tears dampen your cheeks, remember your mother's love, and that of your Heavenly Parent.

  2. (((Teri)))
    It's okay that everything won't be back to normal today! Be present within yourself. Breathe. And leave the "do not disturb" sign up as long as you need to. And be gentle...with yourself, and the others whose "insensitivity" just grates you to tears right now. They usually mean well...take the good intent to heart, not the words. And allow yourself to snuggle those kitties whenever you need to! --Karla

  3. Thought my sermon from yesterday might resonate with you:

    I'm not even a woman and yesterday sucked.

  4. Patrick--you deserved for it to suck. You and Jen have earned that, unfortunately.

    Thanks, all.

  5. Teri, I once heard an old drunk Scotsman sing an old song that ended with the lines "For when you lose your mother, you lose a heart of gold."

    He was in tears as he sang it - and so was everyone else on the double decker bus.

    My mom died when she was 57 - and Mothers' Day hasn't been the same since, but in Britain it's also called "Mothering Sunday" - a time when we remember how the church has nurtured us throughout our lives; so perhaps having the confirmands at the service made yesterday a Mothering Sunday in your church.

    May God hug you today.