I still miss you. I still hate the month before mother's day when every website, piece of junk mail, and email remind me to do something special for you. I still hate going to church and having people pray for moms, be thankful for all you've done, and then neglect to mention how painful or difficult or anxiety-producing a day like this can be for some of us, for many different reasons. Today the pastor praying even thanked God for the privilege of taking care of our moms when they get older, the way they cared for us when we were young. It's a privilege I wish I could have, but won't. I'd give almost anything to be able to spend that much time with you again. Instead, I took the day off, I wandered around a city I love, I stared at tulips, I ate lunch with friends, I played Wii Bowling for the first time (and I'm still terrible, even when it's not real), I read about amazing women who are changing the world. I cried a little, I talked to family, I remembered the time I threw up rhubarb in grandma's bathroom sink and got in trouble for throwing up in the sink.
I also remember how fab you were, and am thankful for the time I did have with you, though I wish there was lots more of it. And I remembered all the "extra moms" I've had, people you talked to too, people you entrusted me to, people who nurtured and taught and helped and extended grace when I needed it. They were, and are, awesome women that I do not keep in touch with the way I should. Too bad I didn't get your letter writing gene.
I don't really know what else to say, except thanks, and I love you.
Love,
Teri
You have your mother's letter writing gene - you just express it differently, Teri.
ReplyDeleteI missed my mother a lot this entire weekend - and when my dad told me one of the photos I sent him made him cry b/c of how much I look like my mother in them (oh, and I do!), I both laughed and cried b/c I am very aware of those times that I look/sound/act like my mother! And somehow, this weekend, it made me feel both close to and distant from her.
You are a much loved child of God and I think it very safe to say your mother would be very proud of the woman you are and continue to become.
Hey, Teri. I loved this letter to your mom and of course identify with every word of it - I wish I didn't, but I do. This Mother's Day was harder for me than the last one for whatever reason, but that's just kind of how grief goes sometimes. People can be quite insensitive without meaning to. When people say at least she's not suffering anymore, sometimes I want to say, "Well, I AM!" and I don't think that makes me selfish when both my mom and I were robbed of so much time. But I can still look back and see how much I've grown over the last four years since she's been gone, and I am proud of that and know that she is too. I'm going to write a blog entry of my own about this Mother's Day. But I wanted you to know I was thinking of you yesterday and was hoping you'd made it through okay. You're a special girl with a special heart, and so much of that comes from your mom. I know I couldn't handle church on Mother's Day at this point in my life. My aunt did tell me that at her church, they've started giving out flowers to ALL the women on Mother's Day so as not to make anyone feel excluded, including girls like us and women who wanted children but were unable to have them.
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